Photo as part of personal project, “No such thing as other people’s children”

I have been largely silent on my website and on social media (at least for my business) since the beginning of quarantine.  I have jokingly quoted “surviving, not thriving” on describing my own mental health during the pandemic and the social justice unrest that has followed, but it’s not far from the truth.  In the beginning of the quarantine, I had visions of myself being productive, as I usually churn out a lot of work even in the midst of our busy schedule. I’ve always made time to shoot and document my life in a way that feels natural.  But none of this was natural, and was deeply unsettling in so many ways.  For all of us, quarantine and isolation made us confront issues in our lives, whether they are family dynamics and relationships, our obsession with over-scheduling, or coming to terms with the fact that as much as we control our lives, we have very little control of so many things in the world around us.  And that, my friends, is deeply disturbing.  

Within the first week of distance learning, I was quickly reminded of how the two years that I homeschooled my son were two of the most challenging years of my life.  Instead of being productive, I binged watched garbage like Tiger King and burned through a bunch of books faster than they could be delivered from Amazon Prime.  And mind you, not Oprah’s Book Club type books (although, after about a month into quarantine, a few thought provoking ones got thrown in there . . . which I will share later).  When our state went into lockdown, we anticipated having about a month left of living in our house.  Our new house was on track to be finished by the end of April, and our house was still on the market.  There were so many loose ends to tie up.  My husband, an anesthesiologist, was facing being on the front lines of the pandemic, which looked like a war zone in New York City, just a two hour drive away.  Suddenly, I wasn’t worried about whether we would be able to sell our house and move, I was worried that someone I love might die, that my husband would be infected, and making disaster plans to quarantine him in our home if he did.  How foolish we are to think that we have any real control over anything at all.

Surviving, not thriving.

In 8 weeks of total isolation, I did not cry.  I did not crack.  And then I heard about Ahmaud Arbery.  And George Floyd.  And Breonna Taylor.  And now, Elijah McClain.  I have been forced to confront some serious issues in my own heart, ones that have made me feel guilty and ashamed.  But this is not about my feelings.  This is about confronting some really ugly things inside of myself.  Because, at the end of the day, that IS one of the few things I have control over.  I also have a responsibility of being the mother of three white sons, who were all born with an ENORMOUS amount of privilege, white and otherwise, I have to learn for myself and be the ally that the world needs so that my sons can become them as well.  We all know that won’t be taught in schools.  More than anything, I want them to be mentally and emotionally flexible, to have the ability to say “I am wrong, I need to learn, and I will work to do better.”  White fragility is a real thing, and yes, it’s completely uncomfortable to dig into an ugliness inside of ourselves that we want to deny is there.  But, as I have told my boys from the time they were little, “You are the thinker of your thoughts, the movers of your hands, the sayer of your words, and the decider of the things you see and hear.”  We are in control of ourselves, and our awareness is essential for justice.

Here are some books that I have felt helpful in educating myself during quarantine . . . after I was finally motivated to do something productive (the kids’ books are ones we listened to on within the last year):

Books for Confronting White Privilege:

White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo

When They Call You a Terrorist: A Black Lives Matter Memoir by Patrisse Khan-Cullors and asha bendele

Know My Name: A Memoir by Chanel Miller

For Christians:

Postcards from Babylon: The Church In American Exhile by Brian Zahnd

Drop the Stones: When Love Reaches the Unlovable by Carlos A. Rodriguez

Books to read with kids/adolescents:

Chains by Laurie Halse Anderson

The Hate You Give by Angie Thomas

Jefferson’s Sons: A Founding Father’s Secret Children by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley

Let Me Hear a Rhyme by Tiffany D. Jackson

I am not perfect.  I am not trying to be an example.  What I am is sharing information that I believe has been helpful in navigating and confronting my own ignorance.  My silence was a time of reflection, of learning, and growing.  It’s time to do better.